You knew this cowardly p.o.s. was coming. You knew that some genius was going to scratch his chin and say “…hmm. I have thought about this dilemma, and……yes, yes–I believe I have the solution. I think I may have found the tortuous way out of our terrible national quandry.”

Thank the stars for the internet, how else would we cope without the blog-lightnings of the world having access to the public 24/7/365? Who knows if we’d ever have satisfied this disreputable challenge if Mark Joseph didn’t have a computer?

The Only Thing Weirder Than The Birthers….
Mark Joseph
Posted: July 30, 2009 05:49 PM

The only thing weirder than the Birthers are the anti-Birthers, who blame the Birthers for being conspiracy theorists yet actively feed the conspiracy by refusing to call for President Obama to release his birth certificate.

And the only thing weirder than the ‘Black Folk Haters’ are the ‘Black Folk Lovers’ who actively feed racism by refusing to call for I.Q. Tests to prove that Negroes are not, in fact, inferior. And speaking of controversies that refuse to die, why hasn’t Neil Armstrong produced a sworn affidavit that he actually walked on the moon?

The state official in Hawaii who manages such things has reiterated that there is indeed an original birth certificate on file which would confirm President Obama’s having been born in Hawaii and that she has seen it, but state law won’t allow her to release it unless the president authorizes it.

So what’s the problem here? Release the original and let’s be done with this madness.

Your madness? Or their relentlessness? I don’t own either of those, it’s not my problem.

I realize there are some faith-based Obama supporters who believe without seeing, but the rest of us in the reality-based world are starting to get that strange feeling we got when Mark Sanford tried to convince us that he was away from his family on Father’s Day, hiking the Appalachian trail in order to clear his head and write a book.

Mark Sanford hadn’t ‘tried to convince us’ of anything because he was thousands of miles away, purposely incommunicado. Which was an issue because he’d abandoned his duties as Governor to pursue his mistress. Obama hasn’t done anything wrong, he’s just the President Who Happens To Be Black.

During the last campaign, John McCain faced similar questions and promptly responded by releasing his original birth certificate. That’s how normal people with nothing to hide handle these things.

Yes, normal people born outside of the U.S. in, for instance, the Panama Canal Zone.

Most American’s aren’t Birthers or anti-Birthers, but we are beginning to wonder why the president doesn’t put this one to rest once and for all. Every day he allows this circus to continue is another day that he behaves less like the President of the United States facing weird accusations from fringe groups and more like a strange politician flying to Argentina to visit his soul-mate while pretending to be hiking the Appalachians.

The reason he behaves like ‘the President of the United States facing weird accusations from fringe groups’ is because he’s ‘the President of the United States facing weird accusations from fringe groups.’ Why should he, or anyone else, act differently?

You may think he’s just a rock-brained dinosaur, but he’s got future vision. He can see the whole impact/conflagration/mass extinction thing coming–which of our current dinosaur friends can say they called the last one? Hmm?

The playful Raptors that sit in the trees and eye you outside your kitchen window? The impish Pterodactyls that poach your pets, hacking pelt as they fly off? (You had put a tracking device on Frisky, you say? RING. ‘Yeah, Lt. Sanchez here, Feline Theft. About Frisky. Lo-Jack says she just landed on the helipad at The Bonaventure.’) Your kid’s pet Coelacanth? I don’t think so. (And, I might add–and I will, just watch–I am mightily impressed by the 10,000 foot high salt water aquarium you assembled for Samantha.)

And who of them were smart enough to put forth this logic: ‘Since there’s a chance we’re about to get flattened, you Global Warming worriers are idiots.’ Err, yeah, why worry about two things when you’d rather worry about one? The one that hasn’t yet begun and hasn’t occurred in…heck, I don’t even remember?

Goldberg’s reasoning is confusing. ‘Why fight your cancer when you could die in a car accident?’ I do admit, dinosaurs surely were not able to think like that. For that, you need a ‘Conservative Intellectual’:

Planet Bull’s Eye

The year is 2109. Celebrations continue as mankind’s heroic, century-long, quintillion-dollar effort to lower the global mean temperature by 1 degree has paid off: July 2109 is just as hot as July 2009. Few can contain their jubilation.

This is Jonah’s version of mockery, he would prefer we did absolutely nothing about Global Warming. Now re-read that paragraph and laugh, laugh, laugh.

But even as the carbon-neutral champagne corks fly, the sky darkens. A projectile of a different kind is coming our way. An asteroid streaks across the skies, giving the media just enough time to spread the word. The New York Times, now beamed directly into subscribers’ brains via digital-neural networks, fulfills ancient prophecy and warns that women and minorities will be hardest hit by the incoming object.

But there’s little we can do. The space flotsam smashes into the solar energy farm formerly known as Arizona. The space rock, 100 meters in diameter, hits at 50,000 mph with the force of thousands of nuclear warheads.

Yes, the ’100 meter space rock’ flying at 50,000 mph would surely loom and darken all the Earth’s skies……with its considerable bad attitude, presumably, utterly opaque and thousands of miles wide. And towing a jet black tattoo the size of the Sun that says ‘Born to Extinctivate’.

Millions die. Dust and debris blot out the sun and will chill the planet for years. Crops fail, billions starve. The heat of impact releases torrents of nitrous and nitric acid rain.

So horrendous is the calamity that some even wonder if the enormous investment in fending off climate change might not have been better spent.

Well, since the extent of the threats are almost frighteningly the same, no. But go on anyways:

…Scientists think there are millions of such “small” near-Earth meteors out there, and more than 1,000 that are at least a kilometer wide. Those are the ones that really leave a mark. Just ask the dinosaurs. And we’re discovering more every day.

A few years ago, a book titled “The Black Swan” came out. No, it’s not about swans singled out by the Cambridge Police Department for breaking into their own roosts, but about sudden, unpredictable events occurring far more often than we’d like to think. There are flocks of black swans out there, but we find it discomfiting to contemplate their existence.

In 2008, science writer Gregg Easterbrook surveyed preparedness for a “space-object strike” for the Atlantic magazine. He found that even though serious experts believe there’s as much as a 1-in-10 chance of a significant Earth strike within the next century, NASA doesn’t much care.

First, everybody knows Easterbrook is a complete idiot. Second, even folks who have no science background can probably figure out that the sort of Goldberg-type impact where ‘millions die’ and ‘billions starve’ ain’t remotely a 1-in-10, or we would have seen it during the last couple thousand years. Third, for those of you who take Jonah too seriously: no, there is no greater impact threat today than 10,000 years ago, meteors come and go all the same. Fourth, Global Warming is a current disaster. Montana’s beautiful ‘Glacier Park’ will soon have absolutely no glaciers.

…It makes you wonder. For all the rush and panic, the truth is, climate change — if real — is a very slow-moving catastrophe. Moreover, it happens to align with an ideological and political agenda the left has been pushing for generations: Unregulated economic growth is bad and must be controlled by experts; nature is our master, and we must be her servants. What a convenient truth for environmentalists.

Meanwhile, a “deep impact” is a terribly inconvenient threat, partly because it requires making peace with the idea that nature can be conquered.

Better to not even think about it.

Don’t buy this shit–Goldberg doesn’t think about it at all. His game here is obvious–point out the ‘misplaced’ worrying over one by accentuating the relatively greater threat of the other. It’s both stupid and shallow: the relative threat is totally backward, and he doesn’t give a fuck about either one, and he never will. I’m not shocking anyone by saying you’ll never see him (again?) advocate taking the ‘meteor threat’ seriously.

He doesn’t take anything stinking of predictive science seriously unless it conveniently supports a corporatist agenda, falls in line with Conservative dogma, or demands that we go to war immediately. That is: unless it subjugates consumers, subjugates political enemies, or subjugates foreign unknowns. And with those drives, he’s sure to miss what could be real threats to all of humanity (like these two) which accumulate as our collective technology and intelligence progress. Of course, when nothing of interest exists outside of inter-class and inter-national war, what do you expect?

Which puts him in a peculiar state: being smart enough to comprehend the forewarnings of a cataclysmic danger, but doing exactly the same thing the dinosaurs did about it. Much more primitive than evolutionary ‘smarts’ should dictate. In a familiar embodiment, a ‘Conservative Intellectual.’ Always cold-blooded, to boot.

This is a rare clip: some famous person like O’Reilly shows you exactly what they’re made of. Supposed to be a mistake in these ‘your media profile is everything’ times. But it doesn’t really matter since we already knew he’d been blessed with the profound intelligence and contemplative character of a bat-wielding rioter.

Here it is, the most totally stupidest thing I’ve heard in a long time:

“Here are the letters–Peter Gillies, Victoria, Canada: “Has anyone noticed that life expectancy in Canada under our health system is higher than the USA?” Well, that’s to be expected, Peter, because we have ten times as many people as you do. That translates to ten times as many accidents, crimes, down the line…”

Gold, Jerry. He’s incapable of realizing that there are also many more Americans who manage to avoid those things. I know certainly that I was capable of understanding that in the third grade, and I’m not bragging.

Let’s say we check–O’Reilly’s ‘fact’ would dictate the most populous nations have the shortest life spans:

–China, the most populous nation, ranks #103 out of 221 in life span. Not #221.
–The U.S. ranks around #45.
–Canada, at about 1/10th the size, comes in at #14. But then Poland, which is about the same, comes in at #56. Uganda, which is almost identical in population to Canada, comes in at #191.

And Conservatives don’t understand why we call him a moron? Bill O’Reilly’s a moron.

Apprised of the sudden and surprising change in maps worldwide, the Prime Shminister of Israel dispatched an intelligence detachment to slip into Lebanon and climb some Cedars.

‘I’m not seeing much of anything’ Agent Shlomo said, peering off into the distance, one hand holding onto a branch, the other poised over his brow.

Then: ‘Wait–hold it. Mmm…yup. Pyramids.’

Okay, who’s got Yellowstone’s Certificate of Live Birth? Who’s got a copy of the Gulf Stream Waters’ Miami Herald birth announcement? The Grand Canyon’s bronzed baby shoes? These lunatics are going to throw everything they can get their hands on out the bathroom window, if only that gets them closer to their impossible dream: ending the black Hawaiian’s Presidency. By the time they’re done, it’ll be a nation chock full of lonely illegal immigrants.

Bachmann blocks resolution declaring Hawaii to be Obama’s birthplace.

Today, Rep. Neil Abercrombie (D-HI) introduced a resolution commemorating the 50th anniversary of Hawaii’s statehood. The resolution also proclaims the state as President Obama’s birthplace, a point the Plum Line’s Greg Sargent noted may “put House GOPers who are flirting with birtherism in a jam.” This afternoon on the House floor, Abercrombie spoke of his measure and specifically noted that Obama had been born in Hawaii. “It’s also going to be the birthday in a week or so of President Obama, born in Kapiolani hospital just down the road from where I lived,” he said. Just as the presiding chair of the House, Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-MD), was about to declare the resolution passed by voice vote, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) stood and objected:

BACHMANN: Mr. Speaker? I object to the vote on the grounds that a quorum is not present and make a point of order that a quorum is not present. [...]

REP. ELIJAH CUMMINGS (D-MD): Further procedings on this motion will be postponed.

I thought I’d done a fair job of avoiding these laughable morons, but they’ve done a better job of hilarious moronizatin’. Try this video of FireDogLake’s Mike Stark bouncing around Capitol Hill asking Republican politicians if the President is an American. To which one after another spinelessly refuses to admit that Obama is, in fact, a citizen of the United States:

They are so terrified of the rank-and-file looneys that form their own base that they’re not allowed to admit the truth about their own President being born in Hawaii. If that isn’t Republicanism in all its stark-raving glory, I don’t know what is.

Oh, wait–hell yes, I do. It’s this:

If you admit he’s an American, they’ll force you to stand there frozen with your hand over your heart while they recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

Republicanism: the obvious truth, or the Pledge? The Pledge, fuck yeah.

Did she, by any chance, mention the military? A bit, in passing.

This address opening, her first four minutes, is yet another killer (she just amazes me, the way she can get me reeling with laughter). Our brave fighting people are now the reason for everything. Pretty much anything in life. Want some candy? Think of the soldiers, and then go knock yourself out. Which shirt should you wear? The soldiers allow you the freedom to pick, so remember them and then choose away. What nasty thing will the media write next? They wouldn’t if they’d just think of the soldiers. And that one’s verbatim.

Here ya go…

Did I miss any?
1.) Fairbanks people are great because they support the soldiers.
2.) Thank you, soldiers, for protecting America.
3.) The last frontier has country pride, and the soldiers secure it.
4.) Alaska isn’t pessimistic because they have proof of the volunteer soldiers who sacrifice everything.
5.) She heard Taps for three soldiers, and they gave their all for freedoms like the freedom of speech which, “par for the course, I’m going to exercise.”
6.) The soldiers protect freedom of the press, they’re willing to die for you journalists, “so, how about, in honor of the American soldier, you quit making things up?”

Oh, lord, I hope she never goes away. Nobody tell her that brains aren’t just cheese.
——————————————————————————————————————————

ADD: Wonkette came up with this Zombie-simpatico post on Red State that likens the amazing, dynamic Sarah Palin to…Chrysler Corporation! (which recently died) Their mini-vans, and the Intrepid! (which nobody wants to be seen driving) And Newt Gingrich, in the mid-nineties! (when he got his career shredded by Clinton, and quit the House) The poster goes on to marvel that there are other Republican women as leaders, “but none have the shear magnetism and gravitas Sarah Palin has.” And, so, Palin may be better suited for the Hoover Dam than the White House.

No, wait–she’s a World War II era warplane!

Some bullets up yer ass, Mr. President?

I hope I haven’t de-railed the revolution by posting this. He seems awfully optimistic.

THE “COOL” LEFT-WING – why it got that way (and what must be done about it!)

Because their aim is to take over society, for decades, the Left has cultivated “coolness”. The Left has used every mass media tool and trick in the book to make youths associate left-wing policies with “coolness”.

And my tricks would be, what? I’m strangely unaware of them.

It’s cool to be subversive, anti-establishment, pacifist, “green”, anti-American, anti-Puritanical…
BOO! I am so cool. BOO!

…anti-Founding Fathers, anti-nuclear – anti-”nuclear FAMILY”, anti-religion, anti-”big business”, anti-talk radio, anti-hunting, anti-NASCAR – and so on.

The Left’s desire to be associated with young, attractive and popular ACTORS and MUSICIANS — (not the sharpest folks or most educated folks in the world, GENERALLY!) — is a clever marketing TRICK.

Yeah, conservative bloggers are so much smarter.

And the Left uses the converse, too – caricaturing people on the right as dumb oafs: SNL’s depiction of Palin, the entertainment industry’s and MSM’s depiction of Dubya, and Reagan before that.

The point being to reinforce the idea that leftness is smartness/chicness/COOLNESS and rightness is dumbness/oafishness.

The truth is the left-wing ideas have NOT helped humanity ANYWHERE as well as right-wing ideas have: China had 40 years of Mao-ness and it was an awful impoverished era; it only took 2 decades of A LITTLE rightness (a little free market capitalism) for China to go from starving poverty to fat affluence; 300 MILLION people were lifted pout of poverty by “right-wing” policies. Comparing North and South Korea leads to the same conclusion. Ditto East/commie Europe (from 1945-1989) and Western Europe.

Totalitarianism, government thuggishness, sanctioned violence, law-and-order obsessions, the sanctity of power–yup, you know how we are. Those Socialist hotbeds of Western Europe–France, Britain–those are definitely you guys, the Conservatives.

…I think the way out of this is manifold:

FIRST: the right needs to expose the hypocrisy of the champions of left-wing policies: Gore has a huge home and flies by jet EVERYWHERE; Tom Friedman has a SASQUATCHIAN home and flies everywhere; ditto Kennedy and Kerry-Heinz, and Soros.

No one has ever said that global warming dictates that you can’t be rich, or live in a giant home, or fly on jets. This is a popular straw-man argument from the right, and they’re the only ones who have ever bothered to advance it. You take responsibility for the carbon dioxide you create–that’s all anybody ever asked. Reduce, offset, you know the story. Why they won’t come close to arguing against the actual point tells you that they can’t.

We need to get personal on this front – perhaps assign people to chase these folks all the time while wearing ridiculous outfit which reinforces their hypocrisy – maybe a PIG outfit.

SECOND; we need to recruit famous media celebrities — A VERY DIVERSE BUNCH! — to speak out – like Bruce Willis, Jon Voight, Ted Nugent, Kelsey Grammer – and Vaclav Havel and Ayaan Ali Hirsi, and Jackie Mason and Hank Williams JR, and make a terse/funny 1 minute commercial that can be aired ubiquitously, all the time EVERYWHERE. Maybe even toss in a clip of Reagan and Thatcher and Churchill (and maybe even John Wayne and Jimmy Stewart and Clark Gable being swash-buckling!).

Yes, you should definitely put this guy out in front of your movement NOW. This is going to get all sorts of Americans to fall in love with you and your beliefs:

He’s nothing like a dirty Jack O’ Lantern who survived a catastrophic stroke.

THIRD, we need to boycott things which promote left-wing policies or left-wing celebrities and we need to support products and celebrities which promote right-wing policies. We need to make the bottom-lines of lefties suffer and the bottom-line of righties prosper. This shouldn’t be that hard to do; we outnumber them -and box office already proves that their left-wing crap doesn’t really sell that well: “anti-war” movies proliferated during the Iraq War, but they all BOMBED! We also need to buy a share in the media companies which produced this left-wing crap and then complain to the Board of Directors!

We need to wise up these people sooner, and IMHO, giving them media icons they can admire will do the trick.

- Posted by Reliapundit @ 9:52 AM

Thanks, man. It’s been a slow news week, we needed the laughs.

It’s a photograph, dumbfuck.

Youth group: ‘Jesus loves porn stars‘

The First Assembly of God Church in Homasassa wants to make religion more relevant to teens.

They say to do that, they have to get teens’ attention, so the church allowed the youth ministry to call itself “X-Rated Youth” and put forth provacative (sic) messages to get teens interested in their church and in Christianity.

According to the group’s web site, they call themselves X-Rated Youth because “we live in an X-Rated society where sex is everywhere we turn.” The web site also says “X-Rated Youth is obviously a play on words meant to immediately destroy the typical ‘Christian’ stereotypes that the secular world holds against us.”

Biden Uses the Lord’s Name in an Interview
Posted by Erick Erickson

I’m quite positive there have been Presidents and Vice Presidents to use Jesus Christ’s name as a swear word.

“I can see Putin sitting in Moscow saying, ‘Jesus Christ, Iran gets the nuclear weapon, who goes first?’ Moscow, not Washington.”
——————————————————————————————————————————