Whoever wrote this hilarious piece of Christian paranoia for Robertson’s CBN.com apparently went too far in damning every single thing even barely reminiscent of Halloween. The link to the original is dead–oops, err, gone to blessed heaven–awww.

The lesson here is that, because it’s Fall and Halloween, orange and black demons will devour your soul should you blink.

CBN.com – Halloween—October 31—is considered a holiday in the United States. In fact, it rivals Christmas with regard to how widely celebrated it is. Stores that sell only Halloween-related paraphernalia open up a few months before the day and close shortly after it ends. But is Halloween a holiday that Christians should be observing?

The word “holiday” means “holy day.” But there is nothing holy about Halloween. The root word of Halloween is “hallow,” which means “holy, consecrated and set apart for service.” If this holiday is hallowed, whose service is it set apart for? The answer to that question is very easy—Lucifer’s!

They’re off!

Lucifer is a part of the demonic godhead. Remember, everything God has, the devil has a counterfeit. Halloween is a counterfeit holy day that is dedicated to celebrating the demonic trinity of : the Luciferian Spirit (the false father); the Antichrist Spirit (the false holy spirit); and the Spirit of Belial (the false son).

And now, a complete list of ‘counterfeit’ counterparts to over 10,000 Roman Catholic Saints. Oh, heck, let’s just go straight to Pat Robertson: the ‘counterfeit’ to the fat, greedy, television-fame gobbling goon is…Mother Teresa? Well, there’s…um…no surprise.

The key word in discussing Halloween is “dedicated.” It is dedicated to darkness and is an accursed season. During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed. A time-released curse is a period that has been set aside to release demonic activity and to ensnare souls in great measure.

‘…this message brought to you by…PFIZER and…AH’M BEIN’ JINXED CR…’

‘AH’M BEIN’ JINXED CR: “A steady diet of evil, while you sleep.”‘

During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.

So, demons will be assigned to you if you participate in Halloween. And your candy is poison. And more demons will come to you when you ‘fetish’, eating candy. And then curses are sent to you through trick or treating. How is it the world has survived so many Halloweens? Shouldn’t it have turned into a giant, sulfurous tar-pit by now?

Perhaps the demons are merely annoying, like an ill-fitting costume, held on with safety pins. Too many Root Beer Jelly Bellys. Kandy Korn, which only seems to multiply.

Gathering around bonfires is a common practice in pagan worship. As I remember, the bonfires that I attended during homecoming week when I was in high school were always in the fall. I am amazed at how we ignorantly participate in pagan, occult rituals.

Oh, now I see why: the writer went after football. Adios loon. Robertson isn’t stupid.

Halloween is much more than a holiday filled with fun and tricks or treats. It is a time for the gathering of evil that masquerades behind the fictitious characters of Dracula, werewolves, mummies and witches on brooms.

Wait–I thought witches were totally real, craftily hacking on Snickers and such. What happened?

The truth is that these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist. I have prayed for witches who are addicted to drinking blood and howling at the moon.

…okay, time to wrap it up…

While the lukewarm and ignorant think of these customs as “just harmless fun,” the vortexes of hell are releasing new assignments against souls. Witches take pride in laughing at the ignorance of natural men.

Happy Halloween!