Syrian tanks are ripping civilians to shreds. The pedophiles in Los Angeles’ unified school district multiply by the day. And mass-less neutrinos may be flying faster than the speed of light. Who knows? The world is a hash.

Reality titters at us. If only someone would make sense of it all.

Jonah Goldberg
Mr. Right Eludes the GOP
National Review | Feb 22 2012

“If we could just take a little bit from each of them.”

I’ve lost track of how many people I have heard say some version of this in the last couple of months.

Cream soda and biscuits! Jonah Goldberg. Goldberg! He’s here. taaah-daaah.

If there’s anyone who can patch a mess — wait, did I say Jonah Goldberg? He’s here! He’s . . huum. He’s doing whatever he does. And soon everything becomes white on white, by bright white, fluorescent lit. Tinged with marshmallow, highlighted with frosted cotton, dusted in quick lime. Look at all the details.

You say, sir, none of your drooling, pine-headed sloths qualifies for the presidency? Stragety brainyhoo time. Jonah Time. A little bit of one here, and a little bit of the other there, and no one goes to the penitentiary. Is that it? You could sew the liver of one on to the face of the other, and you’d have yourself another Ronald Reagan. He was a bole-spotted jack o’lantern if ever there were one. Dude was sharp like a tack. The stupid, soul-rending process of sailing right into the wind, he was. Where did we all leave the football, Agent, eh, Beaner Suit-guy?

Take Newt Gingrich’s verbal dexterity, encyclopedic grasp of politics, and techno-optimism. Add in Rick Santorum’s authenticity and religious conviction.

Throw in a billion dollars, and you, sir, have yourself a deal. That way, I’ll be long gone before Rick Gingtorum accidentally sets fire to the wheat fields, killing milllions.

Combine that with the essence of Ron Paul’s principled passion for liberty and limited government.

So President Paul Santorich can then lynch the African-American rioters.

Stir vigorously and then pour into the handsome, squeaky-clean vessel of Mitt Romney (while keeping his business acumen and analytical skill).

And you have visited Satan upon this planet.

And voilà, you’d have the perfect candidate.