People ask TV preacher Pat Robertson questions. He answers them.

[Viewer:] I am the mother of 3 adopted girls. I find the men I date are okay when I tell them I have three daughters, but when they find out they are adopted and from three different countries and not my own biological children, they don’t want to date any more. . . Why are these men reacting this way?

[Kristi:] That’s just wrong on every level . .

What’s one of the ten most famous post-Bible Christians in the world, maybe ever, Pat Robertson got to say? This is his answer:

“No, it’s not wrong. I mean a man doesn’t want to take on the United Nations. And this woman’s got all these various children and blended family. I mean, what is it?”

What is it? It’s the viewer’s family. A family full of kids with different ethnicities that good Christian men run from like a foundering Nazi blimp afire. Which is understandable, as they’re men, good and Christian. So wake up lady! Dump the mismatches, then you might snare yourself a bashful Bland Wizard. You deserve a shot at a real family, one rich with indistinguishable white progeny, founded upon a love as real and alive as any forty-six chromosomes.

“I’ve got a dear friend, adopted a son, little kid from an orphanage down in Colombia. The child had brain damage. You know, grew up weird. And you just never know what’s been done to a child before you get that child; what kind of sexual abuse there has been, what kind of cruelty, what kind of food deprivation, etc., etc., etc.”

To the problem of which little orphan really deserves your love, we apply some TLC:

If you don’t have a car and you’re walking
Oh yes son I’m talking to you
If you live at home wit’ your momma
Oh yes son I’m talking to you
If you have a shorty but you don’t show love
Oh yes son I’m talking to you
Wanna get with me with no money
Oh no I don’t want no

No scrub
No scrub (no no)
No scrub (no no no no)

Get it? It’s the song of Pat Robertson’s righteous heart. Poor, lonely and brain-damaged little boys need not apply. Kick-asses who snatch the retards lunch money are wanted and welcome to live with Pat and heaven’s other Chosen Men. As for the little girls, I’ll say the same thing applies but in some opposite way. If you’re worthy, princess, you’ll figure it out.

“So, you’re not a dog because you don’t want to take on that responsibility, You don’t have to take on somebody else’s problems. I mean you really don’t. . . We love orphans, we love helping people. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to take all the orphans around the world into my home.”

What’s the takeaway? Jesus wasn’t stupid, pal. Here endeth the lesson.