Are you a news junkie? Do you follow current events and love a good story? Me too.

Then tell me if this looks familiar — this is some coverage of the controversy over the latest iPhone. You know, the antenna problems and Apple’s reactions to consumer complaints and so on. This comes to us from billionaire Jimmy Lai’s Taiwan and Hong Kong media factories:

What the hell was that? Other than hilarious? That was the future of tabloid news.

Jimmy Lai didn’t get to be so successful by waiting for good things to happen to him, he makes good things happen. And when the publisher of popular Next Magazine, “which combine(s) tabloid sensationalism with hard-hitting political and business reporting,” gets a juicy story, he knows how to get people to read or see Next’s version of it.

What he didn’t know how to do, until now, was to get his hands on the critical video or images of a big story when they didn’t exist. That was frustrating. Until he came up with the answer to his problem: he’ll just make the video himself using live action animation:

It’s a bit of genius, really. The whole thing puts the jokers at Fox News to shame.

Since you know you’re really in the news business to pump schlock into the shallow sewers of pop culture, why bother with the pretense of hiring on-air personalities? Why pay them ridiculous amounts of money, indulge their egos, tell everybody how trustworthy they are, spend years waiting for them to develop a relationship with the audience?

The only reason they’re there is to mouth your pre-written yellow journalism. They’re just puppets for your sure-fire pop sensationalism. Why not just cut out the airheads and their egos and get straight to the point, right? You wanna know what went on in that hotel room with Al Gore and that masseuse? I’ll tell you what went on, right here:

Forget trying to get Bill O’Reilly to report that stuff — one way or another he’ll screw up the message and insert himself into the middle of the story because he’s a self-important idiot. You can get your animation people to write, act, film and animate the whole thing in a matter of hours for far less than a day’s pay of O’Reilly’s bloated salary.

Better yet, the clip does what O’Reilly could only dream of: it shows people the story. That’s what they really want. Who wants to watch self-important jackasses read things on air? Fuck that nonsense. Show me the news. Show me all of the news, I want to see it.

Lai is only too happy to oblige. And his animation unit are no slouches, in any respect. They are savvy, they are hip, they know American pop culture like the back of their hands and they are great at putting clips together. This Sarah Palin clip is brilliant — it’s the best thing I’ve seen all year. Be sure to catch the screen crawls during the Fox News bit:

Taking the piss out of the rich and self-important, that’s what’s going on here. It’s as classic a goal of the wildly successful cheap journalists as there is. Though it may be too much for Americans to buy into — I’m not sure why, Fox’s reporting is nowhere near as faithful as some of these clips — it’s not going away any time soon in Jimmy Lai’s world. Like all tabloid news, as long as it’s spirited, timely, contains a bit of humor and a molecule or two of truth, people will gobble it up.

Say, did you hear about Justin Bieber’s internet pranksters?

Ran across this guy on Wonkette. He is an actual Republican Senate candidate in Kentucky, so his dreams are being shattered as we speak.

His name is Gurley L. Martin and he has plenty of stuff to tell you. So there’s his website, where his 3 page ‘Intent to File’ paperwork is chocked full of dust-and-cobweb crazy things. Like how America ran off the rails . . back in 1928 (he remembers). He also says that any legislation that fills more than 46 pages of 8.5 by 11 inch paper (12 point font type) should be deemed unacceptable and unconstitutional. And, of course, he says Obama is not the legit Commander in Chief: “Note this: there R more of US, than there IS of U! U will C — hoping 4 change — in U!” Or something like that, it’s not easy to transcribe musty whackadoodle. There’s more of that in his handbills, if you care to look.

But the clips are the thing. At some point, Kentuckians actually got a few of the candidates together at a small forum where they took turns answering questions, or some such silly thing. This first one, Gurley recalls a “rape — ist” getting hanged in 11,000 B.C. And . . he wasn’t even black. Which, of course, means that it’s the black candidate’s turn to come to the podium:

Wow indeed. The other candidates presumably answered nonsense with nonsense and then moved on to the next question. His turn again, Gurley gets back up and returns to what now appears to be his earliest and fondest memory, the execution. Oh, and incidentally, he likes women and cars, but, no, he’s neither raped nor stolen any of them. To which, as if to answer the call of the loneliest whip-poor-will, a single person applauds. Then he gives a shout out to Go-Daddy (seriously), says “nookyooluss”, and then, having announced that he’s going to trounce everybody, turns around to stare down his lesser foes, arms outstretched, like . . “EAT IT BITCHEZ.” Here:

There is also a less triumphant version of Gurley as well. Here‘s a video where a real, serious debate between the Senate candidates gets underway and state troopers have to haul the old coot off. “MY NAME IS GURLEY MARTIN!!“

A semi-regular installment. It’s been a while since the last one, so this is an extra-large edition.

Why don’t Conservatives understand comedy? Why are metaphors and irony and the like an utterly foreign language? Why do they keep making attempts at it anyways? These are eternal mysteries. Gawk at the strangeness along with me. Starting with Gary McCoy:

Your 7th grader could do better! So what!

It’s why I voted for him.

They pay Gary to comment on politics. Well drawn. Brian Farrington, too:

Kill baby, kill.

Happy Earth Day! Damn liberals . .

. . and their stupid ideas.

Whose fault is it that gas prices are high? Yours.

If it had been the Bush administration, no one would have forced Goldman Sachs into hearings. Then there’s no hypocrisy, right?

When you’ve only got a few thousand nuke-tipped missiles left, you’re a wuss.

And when you won’t call in a nuclear airstrike on this guy, you’re a wuss.

Pedophile = gay. Glenn McCoy = oblivious.

Politicians and their spending. GAH. Shoot.

Politicians and their spending. Sheesh!

. . double . . triple . . quadru . . errr, hmm.

Liberals trying to save the planet. Hah, stupid. NO — stuck up. Yeah, that’s it.

A Bar Mitzvah is a rite of transition. 26 year-olds in grad school are losers. See?

If Lisa doesn’t stick that ‘Warning’ sign in there, how will anyone ever get it?

BP is helping Obama spend government money? Or BP’s money? A better President wouldn’t spend money on the disaster? Okay.

Steve Kelley, AKA ‘dorky’.

H00t!

Those losers are into chicks. Remarkable likenesses.

Women. And last, as usual, Wayne Stayskal. Posted without comment this time to allow to you wallow undisturbed in his craft. You have never been as bad at your job as Wayne is at his:

The comedy continues . .

Once you see this video, you will likely agree with me: this is a Hall of Fame political video. It is ludicrously awful, so it’s entertaining as hell.

And it comes to us from Dan Fanelli, a sorry man running for Congress in Florida. One viewing, and you will see that Dan is a Gold-Plated Wingnut.

So many terrific nutter details, dozens of them, all of which Dan thought were compelling enough to include in this hard-hitting clip. So it’s all officially enshrined, for the intertron to play forever:

1.) Terrorists want to blow up Cessnas?
2.) After they make bombs out of orange water bottles?
3.) That they tie to themselves?
4.) Outside their clothes?
5.) So their arms are paralyzed?
6.) Making it difficult to light the Bullwinkle-style fuse?
7.) Every little thing in this whack ad?

I guarantee you, Dan loves all of it.

Thanks, Rumproast.

He needed somebody to go to Europe and push his “luggage” around:

Christian right leader George Rekers takes vacation with “rent boy”
By Penn Bullock and Brandon K. Thorp
Thursday, May 6 2010

The pictures on the Rentboy.com profile show a shirtless young man with delicate features, guileless eyes, and sun-kissed, hairless skin. The profile touts his “smooth, sweet, tight ass” and “perfectly built 8 inch cock (uncut)” and explains he is “sensual,” “wild,” and “up for anything” — as long you ask first. And as long as you pay.

On April 13, the “rent boy” (whom we’ll call Lucien) arrived at Miami International Airport on Iberian Airlines Flight 6123, after a ten-day, fully subsidized trip to Europe. He was soon followed out of customs by an old man with an atavistic mustache and a desperate blond comb-over, pushing an overburdened baggage cart.

That man was George Alan Rekers, of North Miami — the callboy’s client and, as it happens, one of America’s most prominent anti-gay activists. Rekers, a Baptist minister who is a leading scholar for the Christian right, left the terminal with his gay escort, looking a bit discomfited when a picture of the two was snapped with a hot-pink digital camera.

Reached by New Times before a trip to Bermuda, Rekers said he learned Lucien was a prostitute only midway through their vacation. “I had surgery,” Rekers said, “and I can’t lift luggage. That’s why I hired him.” (Medical problems didn’t stop him from pushing the tottering baggage cart through MIA.) . .

I heart Samson . . ite

For decades, George Alan Rekers has been a general in the culture wars, though his work has often been behind the scenes. In 1983, he and James Dobson, America’s best-known homophobe, formed the Family Research Council, a D.C.-based, rabidly Christian, and vehemently anti-gay lobbying group that has become a standard-bearer of the nation’s extreme right wing. Its annual Values Summit is considered a litmus test for Republican presidential hopefuls, and Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter have spoken there. (The Family Research Council would not comment about Rekers’s Euro-trip.)

Dr. Rekers’ website:

***MISLEADING INTERNET REPORTS ABOUT PROFESSOR GEORGE REKERS***

“A recent article in an alternative newspaper cleverly gave false impressions of inappropriate behavior because of its misleading innuendo, incorrectly implying that Professor George Rekers used the Rentboy website to hire a prostitute to accompany him on a recent trip . .”

“Contrary to Internet stories based on this slanderous article, following medical advice Professor George Rekers requires an assistant to lift his luggage in his travels because of an ongoing condition following surgery. His family, local friends, and even another university professor colleague have offered to accompany him on trips to lift luggage. Professor Rekers was not involved in any illegal or sexual behavior with his travel assistant.”

National Review’s clown-prince of ‘epistemic closure,’ Mark Levin, demonstrating his now-famous chops:

. . which links to this:

An Earth Day tradition: George Carlin on the intellectual bankruptcy of “saving the planet”
By: J.P. Freire
04/22/10 11:27 AM EDT

As Carlin put it: The planet is fine.

And just exactly how is the planet fine? Because Homo sapiens will surely die off, and the Earth won’t even notice. Which is certainly an option, to do absolutely nothing on our behalf to intervene in the goings-on around us, the environment included. Just let the chips fall where they may, if we all die, we die.

But that’s the last thing that the Conservatives would actually choose to do, their lives being more sacred than the Earth itself. Until they’re forced to make a decision about the environment, they’ll say that the Earth is perfectly fine for us and for all human life forever because, well, I don’t know. Because The Lord said we’re so special? Carlin’s take is the opposite: we’re nobodies and we’ll probably be wiped out sooner than later. Not that they were ‘open’ to hearing and remembering it.

March 29, 2010

For the millionth time: I have no idea.

Self explanatory, as rated by me. I don’t hate this fool, I’ve been laughing for two straight hours.

Number 8. Where’s the common sense?

Number 7. Volatile homeland lectern perfesser. What?

Number 6. My old school teleprompter:

Number 5. Subarus, hope and change:

Number 4. (you’re fired):

Number 3: Thank you for standing up hyyeeaauugghhh . .

Number 2. Smart people only need one word:

. . and the Number 1 video excerpt: CRRAAP.

Thank you, Fractional Governor Moosemeat. I offer a whacko pro-lifer like you no higher praise than this: you kill me . .

Conservative Comedian Monologues the Oscars and Rahmbo
by Evan Sayet
03/09/2010

All sorts of history was made this week at the Academy Awards with Kathryn Bigelow becoming the first woman to ever win the “best director” award. That is, if you don’t count Woody Allen.

SNARF! He’s a wuss.

Another interesting sidebar is that Bigelow was married to Avatar director, James Cameron for two years, which makes that the longest lasting marriage in Hollywood history.

Aw shit! That’s TRUE!

Has it ever struck you how the Hollywood award season is kind of like a woman aging? It starts with the Golden Globes, goes to the SAG awards and finishes with Grammy’s.

Women, pfffh . .

Lindsay Lohan, a person famous for doing absolutely nothing other than club-hopping faux-bisexuals and mountains of coke, feels like she’s been used. Punchline.

Okay: Lindsay Lohan, a young woman famous for baring her genitalia, doesn’t appreciate the unwelcome exposure that a new . . advertisement . . aaaaannnnnd CUT.

Take 3: Lindsay Lohan Is Grandiose And Greedy.

Lindsay Lohan wants $100M over E-Trade ad

Lindsay Lohan is suing the financial company E-Trade, insisting that a boyfriend-stealing, “milkaholic” baby in its latest commercial — who happens to be named Lindsay — was modeled after her. And she wants $100 million for her pain and suffering, The Post has learned.

“They used the name Lindsay,” Ovadia said. “They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message.”

Not any more, congratulations. Lindsay officially sees herself as a drunken tramp.

And didja ever think maybe Madonna and Oprah have that ‘single name recognition’ because they don’t share their weirdo names with anyone else? Cher, anyone? Elvis, hello? Englebert?

If she pulls this off, watch every celebrity in the universe tear the Big Book of Baby Names into a million proprietary pieces. Watch Michael Jordan and Michael J. Fox battle the estates of Michael Crichton and Michael Jackson for Total Mike Supremacy. Watch Dick Van Dyke sue Dick Cheney for defamation. Watch Dwyane Wade have nothing to do.