Happy Friday. Yes, sshhh, I’m lazy. Let the silliness begin.

Okay. Number One: suave, thoroughly skull-ectable candidate:

Janny! You got my vote.

Number Two: Who’s sufficiently expert to volunteer testimony before the Senate Committee on Lipsticked Sloth Snacking?

Jan Brewer! Yay!

. . and whatever, who cares, it’s a peach Skele-Jan:

Marry me! Mexicans suck!

. . On Wednesday, Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX) was on Lou Dobbs’ radio show and went a step further. He agreed with Dobbs’ statement that President Obama is “awfully close” to violating his “oath to protect the Constitution of the United States” by not completely securing the border [audio]:

DOBBS: The fact that we’ve witnessed both the Bush administration and now the Obama administration…refuse to secure the borders, refuse to enforce immigration law — at what point does this rise to the level of a breach of oath to protect the Constitution of the United States?

SMITH: I think we’re on the verge of being there right now. … Whatever law they’re not enforcing, I think it comes awfully close to a violation of their oath of office.

No? Well me neither. I’m scanning the History books but drawing a blank. He never secured the borders. In fact, no President has ever secured the borders in any way that would prove satisfactory to Conservatives — you know, those folks who demand a simply, routinely, patently Mexican-proof ‘secure border’ to repel The Brown People, of the type seen separating North and South Korea, or the Israelis and Palestinians.

Here’s a typical sign at the Canadian border:

. . but when did we impeach President Bush for his failure to protect our Northern border and our precious Constitution in this regard? After 9/11, no less?

More crossings feared along Canada border
Posted on Monday, November 12, 2007

BLAINE, Wash. — . . At most points, the only thing separating 0 (Zero) Avenue in Canada from the houses, fields, woods and narrow roads of the United States is a shallow, 3-foot ditch or a metal highway guardrail. Security cameras on tall poles swivel to track suspicious vehicles. Border Patrol cars barrel around corners to confront uncertain threats . .

But if the area immediately surrounding the inn and the border crossing at Blaine is one of the more secure along the U.S.-Canadian border, the other 4,000 or so miles are a security nightmare.

Given Canada’s open immigration policies, terrorist organizations have established cells there seeking “safe havens, operational bases and attempting to gain access to the USA,” according to a 1998 report from the Canadian Security Intelligence Service. The report said that more than 50 terrorist groups might be present, including Hezbollah, Hamas and other radical Islamic groups from Iran and Algeria.

A 2006 report from the Nixon Center, a Washington, D.C., policy institute, quoted a senior FBI official as saying that Canada is the most worrisome terrorist point of entry and that al Qaida training manuals advise terrorists to enter the United States from Canada. The report concluded that “despite widespread alarms raised over terrorist infiltration from Mexico, we found no terrorist presence in Mexico and a number of Canadian-based terrorists who have entered the United States.”

After Alaska became a state in 1959, we then had an Eastern border, too:

When was that secured? Ever? Why has every President failed to uphold the Oath of Office? Why has no one impeached every single one of them? Why won’t Republicans do the right thing when Ronald Reagan or George W. Bush piss on the Constitution this way? Why don’t they love the United States of America the way I do?

Hey, when you’ve got what appears to be a winning issue, your job is to flog it, right? Beat it to death beating your opponents, that’s the game. Well, maybe not you — maybe right-wing nutjobs. Right now, it’s their job to tie a big winner, illegal immigration, to the front bumpers of anything that passes by.

For instance, you say the economy’s bad? Illegal immigrants steal good jobs from desperate Americans.

You say there’s a hideous oil spill, a devastating natural disaster, poisoning the Gulf of Mexico? It’s just like the illegal immigration disaster fouling our southern border.

Blah blah blah blah healthcare? BLAH BLAH BLAH ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!

Ooooh, this is fun — DeRoy Murdock wants to play! Here, let’s watch . .

Bullets across the Border
When El Paso City Hall is being struck by bullets, why is Obama targeting Arizona’s immigration legislation?
► DEROY MURDOCK

Niiiice, good opening. I had no idea illegal immigrants had opened fire upon the El Paso City Hall. Though, I must say, this breaking news sounds oddly distraction-less for the thumbless magicians over at the National Review Online. It’s still interesting. I’m in — what the hell is up with El Paso?

The U.S media have snored, as if under sombreros, right through the events in El Paso on June 29. At about 4:50 p.m., city workers were performing their duties at El Paso City Hall. Suddenly, a bullet pierced a window and traversed an interior wall before it was stopped by a picture frame. Another bullet smacked an exterior wall but did not penetrate it; the bullet was recovered and proved to be from an AK-47. In total, seven bullets hit El Paso City Hall that day.

AK-47! WOW — illegals strafing one of our city halls with AKs! Pissed off criminal brown types blowing holes in our government edifices. Holy smokes! Yee haw, this is some good shit. YA GOTTA TELL ME MORE . .

Police say these bullets most likely came from across the Rio Grande, echoing Pancho Villa’s cross-border gunfire in the same area in 1919.

Linkie! Hot damn:

“The City Hall of El Paso, Texas came under automatic weapons fire from Juarez, Mexico earlier this week, in an incident eerily reminiscent of sniper fire from Juarez into El Paso in 1919. In that incident, Pancho Villa’s snipers fired into El Paso after defeating Mexican federal forces in Juarez . .”

So, snipers shooting at the — wait, what? You’re telling me that Juarez Mexicanos were sniping at the El Paso City Hall? I’m confused — what do building assassins have to do with our illegal immigrants?

At the same time that El Paso City Hall came under fire, six Mexican federales were battling a gun-wielding gang outside a Smart Supermarket on Bernardo Norzagaray Boulevard in Juárez, Mexico, about half a mile away. Chihuahua State Police say they found 40 spent shells from an AK-47 and other weapons at that spot. Mexican Federal Police officer Domingo Hernández Espinoza was killed in the confrontation, and two other people were wounded, one fatally. Amid all the crossfire, bullets ignored the border (a common regional attitude) and struck the seat of El Paso’s municipal government.

. . . hahaHAHAHA — a shootout in Juarez, you say? Gangsters gunfighting it out with the federales — their bullets flew into El Paso, hitting the city hall? Goddamn it. Every other country in the world, bullets always stop at the border — but Mexico? Noooooooo. You know they’re doing this on purpose. Well, we should gouge out the eyes of all their illegal immigrants. That’ll teach the Mexicans and their snotty, liberal gangsters.

If only that bastard Obama hadn’t gagged Governor Jan Brewer with Arizona’s S.B 1070 and then raped her, none of this would have happened. A President who was serious about illegal immigration would’ve sent a couple hundred thousand soldiers into Juarez and shot up the town up by now. A really determined President would’ve stopped the bullets at the border with better detection and enforcement. A Republican President would’ve constructed a series of titanium U-shaped tubes embedded in a 15,000 foot high rubber fence to redirect those dirty, thirsty bullets trying to seek a better life. Now there’s an immigration policy Texans could hoot and holler about. Once they’re done, y’know, hootin’ n’ hollerin’ about somebody stompin’ on a bug. Or a funny-lookin’ penny, or a person’s head. Yeeeeehhhhooooooooooooo. Yeah, after President Romney sells Texas back to Juarez to fund the boojillion-dollar Goodyear National Yooie Enforcement Perimeter.

That reminds me — you know what’s even more shocking, Juarez-violence wise? When an El Paso Border Patrol agent shoots a 15 year old kid — standing in Juarez about, oh, 30 paces away — in the head, killing him instantly. Throwing rocks ferchrissake — ! It’s a miracle the agent escaped without a single bruise.

So, what — now they’re mistakenly shooting at us with AKs? Time to flatten this dogshit town with a nuclear strike. At some point, we’ve got to take illegal immigration seriously.

Ariz. gov: Most illegal immigrants smuggling drugs
By PAUL DAVENPORT
Associated Press Writer – Fri Jun 25, 7:06 pm ET

. . “I believe today, under the circumstances that we’re facing, that the majority of the illegal trespassers that are coming into the state of Arizona are under the direction and control of organized drug cartels and they are bringing drugs in,” Brewer said.

“There’s strong information to us that they come as illegal people wanting to come to work. Then they are accosted and they become subjects of the drug cartel,” she said.

The majority of illegal immigrants are drug smugglers? Jeezus, what a moron.

. . without a snack . .

. . or with?

I ran out of skulls

I’m starting to wonder if the law will ever be implemented. Governor Jan Brewer and the anti-immigration mob are so smitten with their precious statute that God forbid the cat should sit on it.

Arizona’s Attorney general, Terry Goddard, is no fan of the law. But he is a professional and will defend it should he need to because, well, that’s his job:

Goddard Urges Federal Government Not to File Immigration Lawsuit, Vows Vigorous Defense if Suit is Brought

(Phoenix, Ariz. — May 28, 2010) Attorney General Terry Goddard today urged lawyers from the U.S. Justice Department not to file a federal lawsuit against Arizona’s new immigration law.

In a meeting at the Attorney General’s Office, Goddard told the federal government’s lawyers that Arizona “needs solutions not lawsuits.” He said that if the federal government decides to bring a lawsuit, “Arizona will fight back.” The new law will take effect July 29.

The Justice Department lawyers came to Phoenix to meet with state officials as a precursor to possibly filing a suit that would challenge the constitutionality of the law, also known as Senate Bill 1070. The federal lawyers made clear that no final decision has been made about filing a suit.

The political nobody, Jan Brewer, who inherited the top position after Obama asked then-Governor Janet Napolitano to run the department of Homeland Security, has seen her popularity explode after signing the bill. The wave of anti-immigrant ill will poses her as a shoo-in for election and for continuing as Governor of the state.

So this law appears to be precious property of the Governor. So much so, it seems, that she’s gotten maybe a little paranoid and bug-eyed over it. Especially since she’ll be running against a familiar name in the controversy over the legislation: Terry Goddard.

The meeting between federal officials and the Arizona AG proved to be too much for Brewer to wonder about — she just barred her own Attorney General from getting anywhere near her meal ticket:

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer abruptly suspends state’s attorney general from illegal immigrant law defense
May 28, 2010 | 11:22 pm

A sudden new twist in the ongoing rhetorical and legal struggle over Arizona’s tough new law to round up illegal immigrants.

Late Friday night as the Memorial Day weekend began, Arizona’s Republican Gov. Jan Brewer, in effect, suspended the state’s Democratic attorney general from defending the new law in upcoming legal challenges. The measure, known as S.B. 1070, is due to take effect this summer and, among other things, allows local police under federal guidelines to check the immigration status of people they stop . .

“Due to Attorney General Goddard’s curious coordination with the U.S. Department of Justice today and his consistent opposition to Arizona’s new immigration laws, I will direct my legal team to defend me and the State of Arizona rather than the Attorney General in the lawsuits challenging Arizona’s immigration laws . .”

When federal law enforcement officials, likely at the behest of Eric Holder, meet with the Arizona Attorney General to discuss the law, it’s a “curious coordination” to plot against Jan Brewer. Or so Jan would have you think.

I imagine it’s safe to say that clumsy, anti-immigration Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is no media genius. It’s probably safe to add that she’s no political genius, either. But it’s certainly now safer to say she’s neither after the release of this silly commercial.

She and her staff thought it’d be a good idea to go after her national liberal detractors through the viral and social media. Unfortunately, this was the best they could do: a dirt-cheap frog fist-puppet, an amateur voice-over (likely a staffer or hack production assistant) so poor that it’s unintelligible, and a 3-line tune devoid of anything resembling rhythm or rhyme. All against a backlit-only background that our Mexican Home Depot locals could’ve painted and pounded out in 90 minutes. This is a statement by the people “driving the debate” on our national immigration policies:

Illegal Immigration Proponents Support Slavery
Posted by Lori Ziganto
Wednesday, May 12th at 5:15PM EDT

Illegal immigration is another area where the true racist and misogynistic tendencies of Liberals/Leftists appear.

Hello! I heard my name — what’s up? OH, another RedState whackjob. *sigh*

Racism and misogyny, yup, that’s us. Can I go now?

. . they are currently more concerned with demonizing the state of Arizona and it’s new illegal immigration law than they are concerned with protecting the rights of citizens. They’ve also proven that they care not one whit about the people coming here illegally. They aren’t human beings to them; they are merely political pawns and cheap labor.

They’re not even pawns, they’re lumps of coal. I collect and burn them for Winter heat. Okay, that’s us — now can I bail?

. . What isn’t mentioned ever? Concern for The Children ™ who are suffering due to strained medical and educational resources.

Wow, you really are A Strange One.™ Yes, we’re The Haters Of The Children.™ I’m off now, I have to go strangle some . .

Apparently, having their lawns manicured and their tables bussed cheaply means more to the left than the human beings providing such services. Why have legal immigrants when you can have illegal ones as figurative slaves, huh, left? Nor do they show concern For the Women, who are brought here, smuggled in illegally, as slaves.

. . yes, and I enjoy killing them all, the immigrants, The Lumps™, the slaves, the little girls in their pink jumpers, fingers all sticky from candy. Kill, kill, kill. I’m Murder, Inc.™ We’re done?

. . the left doesn’t care. What’s a little enslavement and forced prostitution if it gets us some cheap labor and more bodies at the ballot box?

Non-citizens can totally vote in America. Sorry: AMERICA!™ The pawns and the slaves and The Dead Children™ vote by the billions all the time every day. If they move or breathe or eat a taco, it’s a vote.

And this is what we do: we round up all their votes, and we hate on them and enslave them and prostitute them and murder them and burn them for heat. And you know what? *BOING* The votes themselves suddenly start voting. For us. That’s how it works! I’m tired of this — end of this post, please . .

I also believe in human dignity and the sanctity of life. As such, unlike the left, I recognize illegal immigration for what it is:

The new slavery.

The new Holocaust, and we’re Adolf Hitler. Go on, say it.

Totally, absolutely. Deporting them, too. And people who make bombs, outta here. And people who drive, adios. And men. I hate those fucking bastards, get them the fuck out of my country. That bastard Faisal was another one of those bomb-making car-driving Allah-worshiping cock-hangers. Toss ‘em all, I say. But what do I know, I’m just a patriot.

We’re lucky he didn’t kill the plane. We’d never have found him then. Or the Kennedy airport — WOAH, that would have been weiiiirrrrd. Another one of those Kennedy thingies, ooh, I just got a chill.

BWAH HA HA THEO VAN GOGH, LOTS OF LUCK GETTING HIM TO TEACH YOU ANYTHING, THEY SHOT HIM DEAD.

Hoo! That is rich. Theo Van Gogh, killed. HEY, get THIS — you wanna know the last time I saw him? AT HIS FUNERAL! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA OOOOOOOOOH CRAP. That’s just his memorial, damn, I thought I had a picture of his coffin. That was gonna be freaking hilarious. Hmm. Don’t know how you do it, Bryan, you sure make being funny look easy.

YEAH, we don’t kill civilians. We have our ‘conscience restraints.’ We never do it over and over and over again because that’s what the word ‘restraint’ means.

Alright Habib, let’s say that you’re the United States. Would you let you in?

“If I were America, would I give myself citizenship? Are you kidding? Of course nnooo . . . . wait, yes. Yes. YES, I would. I FLY TO ME AND KILL THE GREAT SATAN BECAUSE I AM MUSLIM ALLAH HALALLA ALLALLALL .. .. ” [*Boom!*]

Damn. I was really hoping that would go differently.

[Owww! ALLAH!!]

*end post*

ADD:

Aliou Niasse, a street vendor selling framed photographs of New York, said that he was the first to spot the car containing the bomb, which pulled up right in front of his cart on the corner of 45th street and Broadway next to the Marriott hotel.

“I didn’t see the car pull up or notice the driver because I was busy with customers. But when I looked up I saw that smoke appeared to be coming from the car. This would have been around 6.30pm.”

“I thought I should call 911, but my English is not very good and I had no credit left on my phone, so I walked over to Lance, who has the T-shirt stall next to mine, and told him. He said we shouldn’t call 911. Immediately he alerted a police officer near by,” said Mr Niasse, who is originally from Senegal and who has been a vendor in Times Square for about eight years.

Obama is a Bully

By: Dennis Kneale
CNBC Media & Technology Editor

Will someone please rein in our relentlessly hectoring President?

I thought for sure this was going to be satire pointed directly at the endlessly self-important business wanks and banksters all over-wrought over needed regulation, HEAVENS. Turns out this guy is serious.

Barrack Hussein Obama has taken his gift for inspirational oratory—one of the traits that got him elected—and turned it into something darker and more insidious.

Bam is a bully.

Yes. He’s calling the president ‘Bam.’

Bad enough that he bashes Wall Street, but this President has gone farther than any in modern history in putting the wrong kind of “bully” back into what Teddy Roosevelt had called the bully pulpit.

Obama’s latest broadside came over the weekend, when he vehemently criticized the state of Arizona and its (Republican) governor for passing a tough new law on illegal immigration . .

Can you remember any other modern President, wagging a finger from on high, so directly and bitterly criticizing a new law passed by any state?

This is hubris at best and ignorance of the Constitution at worst.

So I wondered who this douchebag was, and, oh, about 30 seconds later, I found this. Turns out Dennis Kneale’s as rugged as cotton candy ponies with pink panty saddles. So it all makes sense. Enjoy:

If Al Qaeda called Bryan to jihad, he’d have to kill himself. Why take chances, right?

No more Muslims in the military: Al Qaeda says so
By Bryan Fischer

. . [Adam] Gadahn converted to Islam at a mosque in Orange County, of all places, which once again raises questions about the wisdom of allowing Muslims to immigrate to the United States. Are we importing the seeds of our own destruction and then growing them to evil maturity on our own soil?

Unless and until we can find some way to guarantee that Muslim immigrants will never, ever under any circumstances take their religion, their god, their prophet, and their Holy Book seriously, perhaps it’s best for our national security interests to encourage them to keep living right where they are.

At a time when Americans self-identify as ‘Republicans’ less than at any time in the last 8 years, they want to squeeze candidates through ‘purity’ bottlenecks? This is a good idea? Will this help attract new, and especially rare non-white, folks to their ‘pure’ Republican candidates? Doesn’t sound like it.

G.O.P. Considers ‘Purity’ Resolution for Candidates
By ADAM NAGOURNEY

The battle among Republicans over what the party should stand for — and how much it should accommodate dissenting views on important issues — is probably going to move from the states to the Republican National Committee when it holds its winter meeting this January in Honolulu.

Republican leaders are circulating a resolution listing 10 positions Republican candidates should support to demonstrate that they “espouse conservative principles and public policies” that are in opposition to “Obama’s socialist agenda.” According to the resolution, any Republican candidate who broke with the party on three or more of these issues– in votes cast, public statements made or answering a questionnaire – would be penalized by being denied party funds or the party endorsement.

What do the proposed ‘purity’ vows look like? Here:

(1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama’s “stimulus” bill;

(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run health care;

(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;

(4) We support workers’ right to secret ballot by opposing card check;

(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;

(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;

(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;

(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;

(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion; and

(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership.

Not only is this a bad idea for a party that’s in danger of becoming marginalized, the list itself is a complete joke, the sort of thing that insiders write for insiders to read and then cheer about. Poorly written, poorly thought out and full of flimsy talking points, it’s easily made fun of…

1.) You’d oppose Obama’s well-known stimulus bill tax cuts? 237 fricking billion dollars? Are you guys lying, or just stupid?

9.) Most ridiculous of all–do you know how many Americans die because they have no access to healthcare? It’s far past rationing, it’s full-blown denial, followed by death.

If I can trump this pathetic thing in a matter of a couple minutes, I doubt that it’ll score with centrists and outsiders who are notoriously slow to buy political pablum. And that’s whom the Republicans desperately need.

ADD: Keith Olbermann notes that this ‘purity test’ would have, in the past, excluded a bunch of half-asses like…Ronald Reagan:

Not sure if this is a full-blown punking or only just very funny, but this ‘Erickson’ guy gets up there and does a pretty good job of pointing out the historic dangers of European immigration: slavery, genocide and small pox.

Time to do something about it: “COLUMBUS GO HOME!”

One of the leaders of an organization sponsoring the event said they knew he was a joker, so they let him to do that to embarrass himself. Odd strategy.