They were selling this shirt at Glenn Beck’s weekend God-Damn-Boree:

. . so I checked my Bizarro closet, and darned if I didn’t have it:

Isn’t that Dr. Laura a wise woman? Yes, she is — just listen:

You can feel her intelligence oozing out of the radio. Can’t you?

Wow. You know who else is real, real smart? Sarah Palin:

Thx 2 Sareh 4 de wurdz. Sure — do it again, Doctor N-Bomb:

. . now u, GuVern3r:

. . shackles of civility. More of this, please, without the pointless sensitivity:

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you.

Blogger Ace of Spades dishes out his compliments and insults in his own thoroughly imitable style.

Seeing a wince-ingly bad clip by pro-choice group Emily’s List, designed to score some political points at Sarah Palin’s expense, Ace realizes what political issue is suddenly at hand. It’s not about Mama Grizzlies, or the role of government or somebody’s presidential aspirations dressed as demagoguery, naw.

This is just politics about women. Y’know — how they are.

Top Ten Problems With Emily List’s Ewok Ad

10. Too much boo-hoo, not enough yub-yub

9. Silly costumes sort of remind people that these women have to play dress up to be Mama Grizzlies, doesn’t it?

8. One time seeing furries yiffing and scritching in a fur-pile on CSI was plenty for me

7. If Sarah Palin’s so dumb and silly, why is it you who are dressed up in the bear costumes?

Fair enough.

6. Video confirms age-old stereotypes that liberal women are nothing but half-witted scruffy-looking nerf-herders

Under the makeup, inside of the bear costumes? You can’t see but about 2% of them, but they’re all so ugly. I hate ugly women.

4. I can only imagine “what’s cookin’” underneath all that latex and wool… I’m thinkin’ these women must smell like Brian Dennehy’s taint’s gym socks

I hate smelly women.

…and the number one problem with Emily’s List Ewok ad…

1. Wicket just emailed me to say only one was worth “nutting on”

When a woman isn’t worth nutting on, that is a problem. By contrast, Sarah Palin is totally worth nutting on, probably worth nutting on her face. That’s why she’s worth watching on TV or worth listening to, even with the screech screech and the blah blah. You know what I mean, right?

Are you a news junkie? Do you follow current events and love a good story? Me too.

Then tell me if this looks familiar — this is some coverage of the controversy over the latest iPhone. You know, the antenna problems and Apple’s reactions to consumer complaints and so on. This comes to us from billionaire Jimmy Lai’s Taiwan and Hong Kong media factories:

What the hell was that? Other than hilarious? That was the future of tabloid news.

Jimmy Lai didn’t get to be so successful by waiting for good things to happen to him, he makes good things happen. And when the publisher of popular Next Magazine, “which combine(s) tabloid sensationalism with hard-hitting political and business reporting,” gets a juicy story, he knows how to get people to read or see Next’s version of it.

What he didn’t know how to do, until now, was to get his hands on the critical video or images of a big story when they didn’t exist. That was frustrating. Until he came up with the answer to his problem: he’ll just make the video himself using live action animation:

It’s a bit of genius, really. The whole thing puts the jokers at Fox News to shame.

Since you know you’re really in the news business to pump schlock into the shallow sewers of pop culture, why bother with the pretense of hiring on-air personalities? Why pay them ridiculous amounts of money, indulge their egos, tell everybody how trustworthy they are, spend years waiting for them to develop a relationship with the audience?

The only reason they’re there is to mouth your pre-written yellow journalism. They’re just puppets for your sure-fire pop sensationalism. Why not just cut out the airheads and their egos and get straight to the point, right? You wanna know what went on in that hotel room with Al Gore and that masseuse? I’ll tell you what went on, right here:

Forget trying to get Bill O’Reilly to report that stuff — one way or another he’ll screw up the message and insert himself into the middle of the story because he’s a self-important idiot. You can get your animation people to write, act, film and animate the whole thing in a matter of hours for far less than a day’s pay of O’Reilly’s bloated salary.

Better yet, the clip does what O’Reilly could only dream of: it shows people the story. That’s what they really want. Who wants to watch self-important jackasses read things on air? Fuck that nonsense. Show me the news. Show me all of the news, I want to see it.

Lai is only too happy to oblige. And his animation unit are no slouches, in any respect. They are savvy, they are hip, they know American pop culture like the back of their hands and they are great at putting clips together. This Sarah Palin clip is brilliant — it’s the best thing I’ve seen all year. Be sure to catch the screen crawls during the Fox News bit:

Taking the piss out of the rich and self-important, that’s what’s going on here. It’s as classic a goal of the wildly successful cheap journalists as there is. Though it may be too much for Americans to buy into — I’m not sure why, Fox’s reporting is nowhere near as faithful as some of these clips — it’s not going away any time soon in Jimmy Lai’s world. Like all tabloid news, as long as it’s spirited, timely, contains a bit of humor and a molecule or two of truth, people will gobble it up.

Say, did you hear about Justin Bieber’s internet pranksters?

Fresh off witnessing the mysteries of what the right-wing call “funny,” we move on to a bigger head-scratcher: The Sarah Palin phenomenon. She’s not just popular with the trailer-parkin’ mouth-breathin’ lots — that alone would be merely amusing. Conservative ‘intellectuals’ (?) find all sorts of things to praise about her. It is absolutely impossible, but it happens again and again.

Here’s a case: Tony Lee in The Atlantic writes the sort of piece that Sarah would immediately post on her Facebook page if she only understood it. No, she is not a gold-digging trifle, she is a substantive woman. She’s a major political figure who poses the single greatest threat to the Democrats and to Barack Obama. Tony says this is the force, the potential, and the political whirlwind. This is the future of Republican politics:

A Conservative’s Case for Sarah Palin’s Genius
May 16 2010, 1:24 PM ET | Comment

I hadn’t seen Sarah Palin speak in person since the 2008 elections. If one just watched or read mainstream media accounts of her paid speeches and appearances since then, including some accounts that have been featured on this site, one may have come to the conclusion that Palin was just a money-hungry ex-politician devoid of conviction, half-heartedly speaking to various interest groups and causes to line her pockets or raise her national profile to peddle books that she didn’t even write herself.

I call bullshit. No one said she was a half-hearted anything, that’s for sure. She’s an enthusiastic empty vessel, everybody knows that. A pin-headed cheerleader for a grateful and oblivious right-wing.

Curious about how such memes can develop among supposedly intelligent commentators (most of whom are on the left, but the right has its fair share too), I went to Palin’s speech in Washington, D.C. on Friday, where she spoke at a breakfast hosted by The Susan B. Anthony List, an extremely influential pro-life organization.

Nowhere did I see a caricature of a bumbling dolt just going through the motions. What I did hear was substance. Warmth. Humor. Unapologetic feistiness. And an optimistic belief in conservative values and principles. And what I saw was the makings of a potentially transcendent and transformational figure not only for the conservative movement but for American politics.

I dare you to watch this for yourself and see anything of what this Tony Lee speaks. How can intelligent people watch this and see a similar intelligence? How could they possibly see a future? She would have to govern the American people, after all — can you imagine that? A president who’s dumber than 80% of the populace? Why would that be good? Why would people desire it?

Found this interesting bit of Conservative propaganda art on the Renew America website. The artist is a talented guy who you can track down by going to the ‘DaleToons’ link.

It’s Sarah Palin:

Great image.

Look at it for a bit, and you’ll probably pick up on some fascinatin’ stuff.

The wide, muscular arms, broad shoulders and the thin waste. The very beefy legs and long feet. Sit with it for an another minute and you’ll also see that her upper torso is immensely long. Greatly extended, like an NFL receiver’s, or an extra from Avatar. The whole image presents an incredibly long and athletic build. It’s clearly a man.

Hang with it still: the sturdy post she’s sitting on? How could you miss it? It doesn’t get much more overt than that, I assume the artist wanted to compliment her on her spunky, open sexuality. And, of course, there are the shotgun shells in her crotch, buttressed by her splayed legs. The splayed legs of a powerful man, but there they are.

Last: if you ignore the outlined head by her left elbow, the snake’s body forms a great pair of tusks for an African elephant. When I first saw it, I swore she’d put down a tree stump on the lifeless and unseen head of the elephant she’d just bagged on safari. That’s a great metaphor for the future of the GOP.

Forgetting that bit, it’s an image dripping with what Conservatives want to see.

I’ve been working in the L.A. art community for, oh, 12 years. I’ve probably handled 30,000 pieces of art, installed maybe 3,000 of those, and I can tell you this: it’s the single greatest statement of the pulchritude and power of transvestites I’ve ever seen.

Well, where to start with the jokes? My brain is reeling, I’m not sure where to begin. It’s like a snipe hunt, and they’re crawling all over our shoes.

. . Ted Nugent writes Time Magazine’s profile on Sarah Palin . .

Amazing. Well, the jokes have long since started of their own accord, haven’t they? Time magazine has been awful for as long as I remember, but Ted Nugent? Ted ‘dumb as a bag of oil’ Nugent? Ted ‘Hey Hillary you might wanna ride one of my machine guns into the sunset you worthless bitch’ Nugent? Ted ‘Barbara Boxer she might wanna suck on my machine gun’ Nugent? Ted ‘Dianne Feinstein ride one of these you worthless whore’ Nugent? What, Time Magazine couldn’t find anyone more repugnant than Nugent to offer an opinion on a well-known woman?

The mainstream media continue to embrace their inner populist thug for the purposes of sales and ratings, Rush Limbaugh wins again. Back when I was a kid, when my Dad used to get Time Magazine by subscription, I can’t imagine they’d have asked Paul Stanley to write about Betty Ford. Or . . well . . Ted Nugent to write anything ever. They’d have more likely joked that the ‘Motor City Madman’ was an unlikely candidate for literacy.

The world has changed, and what qualifies for mainstream ‘discourse’ no longer does so by minimal standards of intelligence or civility. It is mainstream because it is the main stream: if attracts the most eyes and ears, and that is all. So if you’re a lucky, well-paid main-streamer, it means that you can bring the heat. No different than porn, really, you can get the ‘clicks’.

Here, three attention whores conspire together to spunky-charm their way into your hearts, like the worms that rot your typical mangy mutt to death from the inside:

* Leaders

Sarah Palin
By Ted Nugent
Thursday, Apr. 29, 2010

If Sarah Palin played a loud, grinding instrument, she would be in my band. The independent patriotic spirit, attitude and soul of our forefathers are alive and well in Sarah. In the way she lives, what she says and how she dedicates herself to make America better in these interesting times, she represents the good, while exposing the bad and ugly. She embraces the critical duty of we the people by participating in this glorious experiment in self-government. The tsunami of support proves that Sarah, 46, represents what many Americans know to be common and sensible. Her rugged individualism, self-reliance and a herculean work ethic resonate now more than ever in a country spinning away from these basics that made the U.S.A. the last best place. We who are driven to be assets to our families, communities and our beloved country connect with the principles that Sarah Palin embodies. We know that bureaucrats and, even more, Fedzilla, are not the solution; they are the problem. I’d be proud to share a moose-barbecue campfire with the Palin family anytime, so long as I can shoot the moose.

Nugent is an author, activist and rock-’n'-roll legend

. . imagine, say, 20,000 Glenn Becks unleashed on unsuspecting high school History classes across America; we’d never again be able to agree on anything that ever happened five minutes ago.

Like I said, our ‘mainstream media’ thing is nothing more than a proud and public circle jerk. Next up: Glenn Beck does Tea Party maestro Dick Armey, and then he introduces Ted Nugent, cue Elton John. And then the San Diego Chicken profiles Joe the Camel. See? Don’t pretend you don’t know who they are . .

And how are we to take posts like this seriously?

Where’s the Left’s Sarah Palin?
08 April 2010 5:00 pm by Taylor Marsh

There remains a “Hillary hole,” with women wanting their turn, while people hunger for something radically different. .

Pardon?

. . which is currently being filled by the Tea Party, a star named Sarah and her fans.

Oh. Wait — what?

Not surprisingly, as poll after poll on her rolls out, the narrative on Sarah Palin continues to be filled out unfairly. I know, you’re shocked. But love her or hate her, whether she runs in 2012 or not, when you look at the left, the reality is there’s no anti-Palin progressive who matches what Palin’s got.

Come again and again? I don’t know who Taylor Marsh is, but how oblivious can you be? Is there a French phrase for something like the opposite of “double entendre”? For being simultaneously clueless in both the literal and the unintentional? Double inconscient? Probably not close, but at least I’m aware of that.

The “Hillary hole”? C’moooooooon. Jeezus. You couldn’t have called it something barely less jarring, like “The currently invaginated political playing field”? “The left’s nagging hunger after the Hillary pull-out”? “Naked snaps of the liberal political landscape”? “The Democrats’ soft spot now begging to be filled”?

The “Hillary hole.” Alllllrrrright.

First — my fingers are trying to keep a straight face — there is no “hole” because Hillary is still around. And already my keyboard is giggling and disagreeing, terrific. This won’t stop with you, will it? Okay, funny clacks, you want comedy, here:

That’s actually one of the links in the post. Now the monitor’s fallen down, quite hysterical. I can’t see a thung I’m typong. Get up, dammit, I own you.

Gah. So it can’t be a “Hillary hole,” it’s more a “Palin hole” since that’s what’s missing, whatever it is. Gee, I wonder why you didn’t call it that. What? Yes, fine, plenty of liberals will volunteer to fill it. Yes, some amount of booze and ear plugs would be wise, sure. And aren’t all of you, the things on my desk, talented comedians?

But you can’t look at Palin and wonder where the Dem equivalent is. Palin is a strictly right-wing phenomenon. She’s a domesticated pet with good looks and spunky, sit-com ways. And she has a thrilling grasp on the issues as profound as a cat’s. What? I am not gonna repeat that.

Therein lies her political charm, Conservative-wise. Only on the right can some idiot walk right out of the wings and into the spotlight to the cheers of even veteran political Conservatives. So much of wingnut politics are posturing and symbolism. Fred Thompson and Newt Gingrich are so dumb I’m surprised they manage to survive into the next day, but they’re still around and much respected. Somehow, they look the part, and that’s enough.

By stark contrast, Hillary is the real thing. I didn’t pick her over Obama, but I wouldn’t have been disturbed if she’d been elected, she’s wise and capable. It took years for her to become a trusted figure, and that’s the way it should be. We’re not wrestling fans, we don’t want anything like a leftist Palin. No one sees your “hole.” The stapler says “try peeking.” Hilarious. Where’s their serious, capable lawyer-woman? Where’s their young, black orator? Wait — where’s our Morman businessman? This is a silly take.

Taylor, you can stop flacking, jocking, rocking or pounding your “Hillary hole.” And maybe try to get a friend to read your posts before you click ‘publish.’ K?

Right. What? Yes, that was some sweet Palin polling, lucky you. Not bad.

Self explanatory, as rated by me. I don’t hate this fool, I’ve been laughing for two straight hours.

Number 8. Where’s the common sense?

Number 7. Volatile homeland lectern perfesser. What?

Number 6. My old school teleprompter:

Number 5. Subarus, hope and change:

Number 4. (you’re fired):

Number 3: Thank you for standing up hyyeeaauugghhh . .

Number 2. Smart people only need one word:

. . and the Number 1 video excerpt: CRRAAP.

Thank you, Fractional Governor Moosemeat. I offer a whacko pro-lifer like you no higher praise than this: you kill me . .

Furious anti-government, anti-tax guy, Joe Stack, flew his plane into an IRS building in Austin. Killed an office worker. The media jumped on the angry act as something like a ‘Tea Party’ stand:

Alienated in Austin

There’s no information yet on whether he was involved in any anti-government groups or whether he was a lone wolf. But after reading his 34-paragraph screed, I am struck by how his alienation is similar to that we’re hearing from the extreme elements of the Tea Party movement.

More: Media Link Joseph Stack To ‘Tea Party’. I wasn’t buying the Stack/Teabagger connection until idiots started calling the violent ass a hero:

– Joe Stack is a “True American Hero“: Facebook Groups Support Domestic Terrorist
– Folk Hero Push For Andrew Joseph Stack

The latest fan? His daughter:

EXCLUSIVE: Texas Suicide Pilot’s Daughter Calls Dad a Hero, IRS Plane Attack ‘Inappropriate’

The daughter of the man who carried out a suicide plane attack against the IRS in Texas said she considered her father a hero for standing up to “the system” but said the attack that killed a government worker and injured 12 was “inappropriate” and “wrong.”

“His last actions, the suicide, the catastrophe that caused injuries and death, that was wrong,” Samantha Bell, Stack’s daughter from his first marriage, told “Good Morning America” in a morning television exclusive telephone interview that aired today. “But if nobody comes out and speaks up on behalf of injustice, then nothing will ever be accomplished. But I do not agree with his last action with what he did. But I do agree about the government.”

She doesn’t agree with “his last actions”? “The catastrophe”? Is she talking about Dad’s pre-meditated murder of an American veteran, Vernon Hunter?

Meet The Real Victim Of Last Week’s Terror Attack On IRS Building – Vietnam Vet, Vernon Hunter

Last week, Joseph Stack set his house on fire, drove to the airport, jumped in his plane and flew it into an IRS building in Austin, Texas. This deliberate, cowardly act of domestic terrorism resulted in injuring thirteen IRS workers and left one man dead — a veteran of the Vietnam War:

When Ken Hunter first heard about a plane crashing into his father’s office building in Austin, he said he hoped his dad, Vernon Hunter, wasn’t there.

After several attempts to reach his father, a 67-year-old IRS worker, he discovered his dad was missing.

In the hours that followed, Ken said he heard lots of talk about the pilot’s motivations and felt compelled to speak out on his father’s behalf.

“There was just too much going on about what the guy did and what he believed in, and enough’s enough,” he said. “They don’t need to talk about him. Talk about my dad. You know, some people are trying to make this guy out to be a hero, a patriot. My dad served two terms in Vietnam. This guy never served at all. My dad wasn’t responsible for his tax problems.”

Meanwhile, the Teabaggers would kill any attempt at healthcare reform, ever. Or any attempt to use the government to stimulate the economy while unemployment’s at 10% and the Great Recession drags on. Do they offer any solutions to these huge, national problems? No. Do they care that their actions will make things worse for others? No.

They’re angry, narcissistic little jerks. Heroes. Heroes. Heroes. Heroes. Heroes.

A right-wing dude’s dude, Doug Giles, too comical for words:

The Vagina Monologues Chick Speaks Out of Her Backside Regarding Palin
by Doug Giles

I feel sorry for the Haitians devastated by the recent earthquake and the people getting slaughtered in Darfur, but you know who else I feel sorry for? Joy Behar (The View) and Eve Ensler’s (Vagina Monologues) husbands.

God Almighty! The misery these men must endure being on the receiving end of such nerve-grating, men-hating, unfunny and unlovely cacklers. It’s got to be brutal. You just know, gentlemen, that living with one of those chicks would make the Hanoi Hilton look like a Puff Daddy party.

What’s that, you say? Behar and Ensler aren’t married? Wow. That’s a shocker—not.

Oh, I just want to give him a giant bear hug, like one of those where you bounce him up and down and the both of you wheeze your pinched, red faces off. Holy pigass, he’s witty. I mean, bitches – c’mon.

. . I would like to point out what these two slabs of beef did this past week to Sarah Palin, in case you missed Behar’s TV show on HLN (which I believe now stands for the Hellish Ladies Network).

Joy and Eve spent three and a half eye-burning, ear-screeching minutes blah-blah-blah-ing about how Sarah Palin, from an intelligence standpoint, hasn’t “evolved” yet…

Palin hasn’t evolved? Puh-lease. Man, envy is ugly, ain’t it? Here’s the thing that gets the goat of Behar, Ensler and every other man hating lesbian or feminist about Sarah: She is the exact opposite of what they are and what they support. She is extremely accomplished, is both hot and happy, loves God and limited government, and pretty much every American likes her and respects her for it except for the hagzilas at NOW.

Well, now that’s funny.

The con impresario makes videos too:

He shows up in the back there. Cute, huh?

. . and it dawns on her what she just did . . and then . . it gets . . awkward . .